Regaining Strength
by MoshiMoshiQueen
Summary: SLF FIC! Sakura and Syaoran are trying to deal with the worst moment of their married lives but most of their days end up in fights or tears. How can they get past that day? One thing they have to realize is that they can’t get threw it alone, they have
1. Default Chapter

My neighbors were fighting again, it's hard to ignore and when they were fighting I thought of a fic. Since ever fanfic has this happy situation with this perfect life but my fic is away different!!! But it does have a happy ending, I hope. Please R+R!

SLF FIC! Sakura and Syaoran are trying to deal with the worst moment of their married lives but most of their days end up in fights and tears. How can they get past that day? One thing they have to realize is that they can't get threw it alone, they have to get threw it together.

Regaining Strength

By MoshiMoshiQueen

~Thoughts~

"Talking" 

(Me Talking)

"Sakura I can't deal with right now."

"Don't you start that with me Syaoran!"

"I'm not starting any thing Sakura!"

"You work to much! You're never home! I never know where the hell you are!"

"What am I suppose to do call you every second of the day!"

"No, just tell me where you're going."

"You're not my mother Sakura! That's one of the reasons I got away from home."

"Oh, so I was just a reason for you to get out of your mother's supervision?!"

"I didn't say that!"

"You practically did!"

"Sakura, please…"

"Don't tell me to stop Syaoran, as I'm not your mother you're not my father! I have my own mind!"

"I'm not going to yell any more!" he said slamming the door.

(Ohhh police came!! Be right back, can't miss this! )

(Hey back, nothing really good happened you know same old same old, police come they make a up something the police help fix the car then she leaves and he is still mad and tries to find out who called ect ect!)

Sakura opened the door, "Syaoran come back here now, I know why you're always working!"

She burst out into tears, "You blame me don't you!?"

Syaoran held her, "Sakura I don't blame you."

"Yes, you do. You think it was my fault."

He held her in his arms tightly rocking her as she wept in his arms.

"You can't stand to look at me any more, you know it is my fault."

"Sakura, look at me. It's not your fault. I would never blame you, because it was not your fault."

"You locked your self up from me, and you won't let me in."

"I'm sorry Sakura, I didn't mean too."

"You don't even touch me any more or kiss me at all." She started to cry hysterically now.

Syaoran held her tightly knowing that she was right, "I'm so sorry Sakura." Was all he could manage to say over and over.

Sakura finally fell asleep in his arms and he laid her down in the bed next to him, "What have I done to you Sakura? All we do is cry and yell now. How can we make it threw this hard time?"

Sakura woke up in Syaoran's arms and he snuggled closer to him, she kissed his lips softly and then his neck but he pushed away, "Sakura we can't, I have to leave."

She only nodded knowing what the reason was and watched him go to the shower.

She held back her tears, "He hates me. He never wants to touch me again."

Syaoran went to work and buried him self in it all day.

Tomoyo's House

"Tomoyo he blames me."

"Sakura he doesn't blame you."

"He won't touch me any more."

"Sakura you have to give him time."

"I know but I just can't handle him looking like this, it is all my fault."

Tomoyo held Sakura tightly trying to calm her down but no one could heal the scars Sakura had.

Sakura finally calmed down and wiped her tears and left quickly. 

"Please Syaoran you have to heal, you're hurting Sakura. Please Syaoran." Said Tomoyo praying softly to her self.

Syaoran walked slowly down the park holding the flowers in his hand and streams of tears started to fall down his cheeks onto the ground as he bent down.

Sakura wore her black dress the one she wore on that day and walked slowly down the hill and started when she saw Syaoran talking to her, she saw the tears rolling down his cheeks and she tried hard to restrain her tears as she walked towards him.

She kneeled next to Syaoran hugging him tightly as he cried in her arms. She started to cry as well, both lovers crying together trying to ease their pain but nothing could because of that day and of that grave…

Li Ying-fa

Daughter of Li Syaoran and Sakura

Died May 18, 2002, day of birth

May this little soul rest in peace and let her 

Parents find some peace.

For all souls go to heaven 

And turn into angels

Who are all looking

Down upon us

*Cries * this made me cry! If you all don't know Sakura has a miscarriage, meaning their baby died at birth or before birth. Many women have miscarriages all the time and some lose a part of them when their child dies. For having a baby grow inside of you is the most wonderful joy, as I have heard and losing it is the worst moment of all because you lost a part of you. (Sorry the first chapter is short, I wanted to end it at the part where they are at the grave)

Support the Pink and Blue Ribbon, Loss of Children and Miscarriages!

You can learn more about this at http://www.pregnancyloss.info/

And many other sites to help you get threw miscarriages.


	2. Starting To Heal, One Bit At A Time

Many people might want to know why I started SLF fics and I will be sure to tell you, I have always wanted to help people, and by writing my fics I warn and help people and that is one of the best feelings you can ever feel. What got me started was a fanfic I wrote and some one commented, "With out your help I would probably be dead." To hear those words made me want to help more people, I'm a big supporter of Awareness Ribbons of all kind and the way I show my support is by writing. Since, I don't have much to donate. But I'm trying to find way to help more, if you know some please email me.

I hope my fics help some of you out there; cause to touch a heart is something you can never by with money.

Another good site about miscarriages is http://www.hygeia.org/

(I don't own any of the sites I name, so don't sue, they are only references for all of you!)

Regaining Strength

By MoshiMoshiQueen

~Thoughts~

"Talking" 

(Me Talking)

Tomoyo's POV

Grieving is the only word to explain the pain that Sakura and Syaoran were going threw and as their long-time friend I felt bad because I was helpless to help. I could only be a shoulder for them to cry on but as a friend the worst thing you can fell is being helpless to help your best friends.

Someone how I knew that they could make it threw this but as days turned to weeks but hope was slowly disappearing. If there was not hope for their marriage every other marriage would fall as well, because theirs was strong and got strong when Sakura got pregnant but that all crumbled under their feet.

Syaoran started working burning him self in work leaving Sakura alone and afraid. It left them both broken and incomplete. Those two some how had to realize that they couldn't make this on their own, they had to work together…

As they had for many years before their world shattered… before their daughter died at birth leaving them both dead to the world…

Watching day to day made you want to cry but you can't because when you're a best friend you're their shoulder, you're their hope and strength. They need you to be there for them no matter what. You need to pull threw; that's was friends are for but you can't help but cry your self.

And then you need that shoulder to cry on. I knew I couldn't be a shoulder for Sakura, her husband had to be and I needed to snap Syaoran out of his trance. But I couldn't do that but I knew someone who could…

My husband, his best friend…

Eriol's POV

I walked up the tall building walking up the stairs I knew so well, but they looked so different at midnight.

I walked slowly to the door that had golden letters, which engraved the words 'Li Syaoran'

Inside was a grieving man with picture of his wife and baby that never came.

I stopped before opening, I knew what I had to do but it is no east thing trying to get your best friend back into reality after his daughter died at birth. I couldn't relate to him and really I hope I never had to.

I opened the door slowly looking inside at Syaoran with big bags under his eyes and his hair messed up surrounded with papers and books. "Come on Syaoran lets go."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can come on."

"Eriol, I can't. I can't go home."

"Then lets not go home, lets go out and get you out of this place."

Syaoran got up slowly and followed behind me, dragging his feet trying not to loss to the sleep that was calling his name.

He got in my car and it truly did make me want to cry, I had never seen him like this ever, he looked so hurt and sad.

I couldn't stand seeing him like this as much as Tomoyo couldn't stand seeing Sakura like this. They were both hurting so badly inside, we all knew it but that hurt couldn't be fixed by me or their friends, they needed each other.

We stopped at a coffee shop sitting down slowly smelling the sweat bitterness of our surroundings.

I took a sip of my tea and looked at Syaoran who only looked at it, "You need to go home."

"I can't go home."

"You need to your wife needs you Syaoran. She needs you now more than ever."

"How can I help her when I can't help myself?"

"You can't get threw this alone. You need each other."

I knew Syaoran knew I was right but his mind was still screaming from the pain he held inside.

"Please Syaoran do this not because of me or Tomoyo, do this for you and Sakura. Let me take you home."

"I'll walk, I need some time."

I wanted to yell at him then to scream 'your wife is wasting away! Can't you both see you can't do this alone!' but yelling never helped much.'

I knew he needed to think; he needed the fresh air and the night that gave you a free mind to think and comprehend what was going on.

I watched him leave the coffee shop, my job was done but I wished I could help him more. Just take away all of his pain. To endure all the pain for them. But there is only so much a best friend can do but as a best friend you always want to do more…

Syaoran's POV

I knew Eriol was right but I don't know how I could handle things, every time I went it was another fight and harsh words.  Every time I looked at her it strung in my heart. I knew it was not her fault but I couldn't touch her to hold her with out feeling more pain.

She was feeling my pain but could we make it threw this? I wanted to forget it, I wanted to leave it all behind but life is never easy. Life is never the same after some part of you dies. I felt my daughter in my heart I only wish I could have held her just once, to feel her soft skin.

I was hoping it was a dream, a horrible nightmare but I saw it in Sakura's eyes, I knew we lost our daughter and we lost a part of us.

I looked up at out home and could picture Sakura sitting at the table wishing I was home or wondering where I was. I knew she was probably sitting in the rocking chair holding Ying fa's blanket close to her.

I opened the door and the baby's light was on and Sakura crying with the blanket to her body never wanting to let go.

I wanted to hold her to take all her pain away but something stopped me, but I needed to get past that. I needed to help her, Eriol was right we couldn't make it alone.

"Sakura come with me, please?"

She looked up holding the blanket that was now socked with tears, "please come with me."

She got up slowly and I held her hand tightly, "Let's get into bed."

She looked at me asking me if I was asking what was true, I nodded. (Did that make any sense at all?????)

We walked to our room slowly and I laid her on the bed kissing up her neck and kissing her tears away and stopping my tears from coming out.

"I love you Sakura." Was what I said over and over as I kissed her weak body.

That night was the first step to healing, the first time we admitted we needed each other; we needed each other's help. As we made love for the first time since that day, we regain feelings we lost.

We started to heal… one bit at a time.

This chapter made me teary eyed. My heart was aching when it was Syaoran's POV, it was like I knew how he felt, but I can't know, because that feelings is unknown to me and I hope any one who has felt it or is feeling it knows that they need to heal, but they can't do it alone.

I hoped you liked this chapter, here is another site: http://www.missfoundation.org/


	3. I Want To Try Again

Writing my fics gives me tons of knowledge of many things in life. As does reading, they open a new world to me. Although it might seem awkward for me at my age to be writing about pregnancy and miscarriages, suicide and cutting but knowledge is power and it helps me grow and mature.

I was talking about parents with some of my friends and all of them said they don't talk to their parents about the things I do and I realized that my mother has helped me grow a lot and I thought we weren't really close but listening to my friends made me realize that I'm close to my Momz and I can talk to her about anything with out her thinking that I'm strange or that she won't understand. I'm close to my Momz even at this age. It might not seem much to you all but it does to me, my Momz had two miscarriages before me and their was no hope for her having a baby, that's what the doctor said at least until me, her miracle baby.

I asked my Momz about miscarriages and pregnancy and I never felt like I couldn't talk to her about anything (well besides one thing, my real Dad who left me when I was baby, I didn't want to talk about him around her.) She made me promise to not have sex till I'm out of high school and this promise might seem weird to most people but it's not and my Momz cares about me.

They say that talking is the key, because you can't learn to walk unless you learn to crawl first.

Story Dedicated to My love of My Momz and to all who have gone threw the loss of a child!

Regaining Strength

By MoshiMoshiQueen

~Thoughts~

"Talking" 

(Me Talking)

Sakura's POV 

For days I saw Syaoran straining to not block him self out from the world, but I knew healing would take a long time. (Did you actually think that they would just heal over night?  I don't think so! In real life it takes months even years.)

He was giving all her had and tried his best but it was me that was the problem, we had taken the first step but then I got lost and didn't know where to go.

Syaoran helped me find my way back but my heart was still half-empty while his was getting full.

I knew some steps to help me heal, like Syaoran I needed to get out I needed to stay busy, read books, eat out and shop. Tomoyo helped me do these things while Eriol helped Syaoran. We both stayed busy but not to busy that we didn't see each other.

We did things together and made love to remind us of what we were fighting for.

Although I knew Syaoran felt what I was feeling, I knew he didn't understand completely. Telling him that was hard but he knew what I meant. So he took to my support group everyday and it helped us both start to cope and feel understood.

Most couples would have been angry if the other partner says 'you don't understand' but us we knew we didn't completely understand each other, we knew what we needed to do to heal.

When I mean healing I don't mean forgetting or 'getting over it' I mean to stop the guilt and grieving. To not forget but to honor her life and treasure the moments I had with her in my stomach, growing, breathing and living for that short time.

I sometimes felt dependent on my group but knew I wouldn't need them all the time and knew that I needed to be independent and not dependent on any thing.

I some how knew that I was almost half way up the stairs, we both were and sometimes when I saw pregnant women past I felt the pain again but knew I had to grow and gain my strength again.

I needed to be happy and live life again. To not forget but to learn.

Syaoran and I talked every night, sharing our feelings and thoughts, which helped the most, threw our process and I don't know what I would do with out him. I would have been lost with out him by my side.

Some how threw all our pain we gained new undying love, we knew we would be together forever because getting threw a time like this and still going strong.

One thing was on my mind the whole week but I didn't know how to say or even tell Syaoran about it. What would he say? What would he do? Questions went threw my mind but I couldn't keep something from him.

Communication was something that was helping us heal and I couldn't cut the communication we had.

So I finally did it, I sat down next to him and looked him in the eyes and finally let it out after months after our baby's death I said it.

"Syaoran, I want to try again."

Healing is something that doesn't come over night, it took about five or six months for Sakura and Syaoran to remotely come close to the end of their healing process. If you don't know what she means by, "Syaoran, I want to try again." Sakura means she wants to have a baby again. She is ready to try again even if in the back of her mind says I might be another miscarriage.

Doctors say you should waste at least third cycles before trying again because you might still have tissue in you and when you take the test again and it says your pregnant it might be reading the left behind tissue and you will go into more grief. You can find out more about this here- http://www.pregnancyloss.info/trying_again.htm

I hope you liked this chapter. Please R+R if you want.


	4. Li Xiaolang, 8 pounds 6 ounces

I have learned a lot by writing this story about, love, loss, hope and strength. You can learn a lot by reading and writing, I have learned tons of information that most people don't know let alone think about at my age but I matured before any one else I know and I have been threw many situations that caused my adulthood to come quickly, although I still have a lot to learn.

Regaining Strength

By MoshiMoshiQueen

~Thoughts~

"Talking" 

(Me Talking)

Syaoran's POV

"Syaoran, I want to try again."

I stood there not knowing what to feel nor say. I didn't know if I could handle it again, what if it happens again? What if it doesn't? What if I lose another child? How could I cope with that again?

"I… Sakura I don't know what to say."

"Don't say any thing just know that I'm ready to try again if you are."

"I don't know if I could cope if it happened again."

"I have thought about that and I realized the only way we will fully heal is if we try again."

"How do you figure that?"

"Because if everything goes fine than we will have a child, our child. If it doesn't we will go on and heal again."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I have you, I know we can make it. I know we can. Together."

I realized her faith in our love and I realize my heart had been aching for another try.

"Sakura, I'm ready too."

"You sure?"

"More than sure, I know we can make if threw it. I know we can."

So we did, we tried to get pregnant again, we tried several times with no results and things were getting hopeless but finally the test came back positive and I felt that same joy but that same fear again overwhelm me.

All I had to do was to say, "we can do this together. I know we can, we can make it threw this."

Sakura knew I was struggling and acknowledged that and helped me gain some of my strength back.

After the third month we were hopeful that everything was fine and every thing was. But my curse was I looked for everything that could be wrong and everything that could go wrong but Sakura stopped me usually by kissing me, letting me forget those thoughts.

But she let me take my time, my strength came from her, and I don't know what I would do with out her by my side,

Fifth month- more than half done and everything was going smoothly. We were praying every night and day making sure we checked for signs or miscarriage and made sure we went to all the classes and doctors appointments.

We prepared for loss or for the moment we had waited for, for so long. The moment when we got to hold out child.

I felt it's kicking the other day and it made me cry and Sakura held my head in her lap letting me feel the baby's kicking and felt it's heart beat. It was a joy that you can't explain. That you can't even remotely talk about.

That day filled my life with all the hope and strength I needed to survive no matter what.

Ninth Month- the month we were very afraid and hopeful. We knew it could go either way, death or new life.

The moment Sakura yelled, "No, the baby is coming now!"

Was the best moment of my life, the best moment of OUR lives. We had to stay 36 hours in the delivering room but it was worth it, it was worth all our tears and pains.

It was that day when I held my child when I looked at Sakura and saw the look of happiness and joy not sorrow and pain.

I held our baby close to me never wanting to let go, making my promise to keep him safe and forever free of pain.

Sakura's face lit up every time out baby was in the room, whenever we talked about our healthy baby boy.

We got lucky, we didn't have any complications and the birth went smoothly leaving us left breathless at out child.

We named him Li Xiao-lang, my Chinese name as Ying-fa had been Sakura's. He was 8 pounds, 6 ounces and our hearts never felt so much happiness. She wanted to name the baby after me, because I gave her strength. But really she gave me strength.

We made it together, threw all out pain and grief.

Today Ying-fa's second birthday we visited her showing her, her little brother and we knew she was smiling down on us saying hello to her sweet little brother who gave her parents new hope for the future.

We made it threw the process some how and we regained love, hope but most of all we regained our strength.

I know it was a short story but it fit its purpose, the loss and the gain of pregnancy. It gave me new hope and hopefully it gave you new hope. I hope that my fic helped others, it sure did help me a lot. I really hope you enjoyed this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it. Thank you, sincerely, MoshiMoshiQueen.


End file.
